Okay, let’s be real, 90 days of marriage is nothing compared to 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, and so on… 90 days is about 3 months. So, how much learning can actually happen in those 90 days???
A LOTTTTTTTTTTT!
Ryan and I did not live “together, together” before marriage. I moved in with his parents and him shortly after we got engaged to save money for our wedding/future. I became part of his family. Although I moved into their home, I had my own room, as Ryan and I wanted to do things God’s way, as one may say, or in other words, be in God’s will. (*This will be a post of its own, stay tuned.)
We were a family. Dad, mom, and us. (the kids) =)
So, we didn’t really know each other as individuals living together.
Now we are finally alone…together! 24/7.
My top 3 things I’ve learned in 90 days of marriage.
1. Every Argument is Purposeful.
Let’s be honest here, why are you arguing in the first place? When you think about an argument with your spouse, it’s mainly because you are not getting your way. Now, this is not to sound bratty or selfish (although, it can be) but your expectation is not being met. AKA, not your way.
For example, I did not know that I didn’t like it when Ryan was on the phone when he enters the house. Ummm, hello, I deserve your attention! I deserve an actual greeting! A hug? A kiss? (see, not my way.) But it wasn’t until he walked into the house on the phone several times that I realized it. So instead of communicating it appropriately, it was an argument instead. However, that argument became purposeful. Although it’s not fun at the time, the argument later had meaning (after I was able to communicate better, of course!) Now Ryan, knows to get off the phone with whoever he is talking to before he enters the house so that he can greet me with his full attention!
He can call them back later, ya’ll! Having your husband’s attention when he first gets home is not that much to ask for! And trust me, there are some things I do that he doesnβt like.
So whatever argument you have, ask yourself, what is the purpose behind this argument? What do I want, but I am not getting? And try to find kind words to articulate this so it is not an argument… I’ve learned.
2. It’s Not What You Say, But How You Say It
As you read above, yes, I believe every argument is purposeful, but what if I actually said things more effectively. More clear. More loving. Less in the heat of the moment. I put my selfish feelings to the side for a minute. Things would probably go a lot smoother.
However, this has always been a struggle of mine. I remember my mother always telling me this as a teenager. “It’s not what you say, Victoria, but how you say it!” Ahhhh I can hear my mother like it was yesterday.
I’m not telling you to change your voice or to sound unlike yourself, but let’s be honest here. How many times have you put that little attitude behind what you say? Or that sarcasm you like to add to your response? Even saying things with no emotion at all. I know I have (a lot).
Your word choice might be spot on, but because of the tone behind it, it makes it sound worse than what it really is.
You know, “Can you help me do these dishes?” (harsh tone, maybe even monotone.)
sounds a lot different than…
“Can you help me do these dishes?” (loving, kind, sweet tone).
I hope you read it in those voices too, because you will get the point.
3. Make the most out of every situation
This one is probably a no brainer. But with stay-at-home orders and restrictions everywhere due to COVID, it might be hard to seem like you are having fun with your spouse. The more I realized this summer would not be a time of travel or events, it was a bummer at first. I’ll be honest, I don’t always like to stay in the house. It’s summer, who doesn’t want to do all these things with your spouse? Especially being newly married!
But now I love having coffee and reading our Bibles together first thing in the morning. Making breakfast together at noon. Building IKEA and feeling smart. Walking down the street to our mailbox as a romantic walk. Folding clothes together as a team effort. All of these small things that just seem like every day is something I look forward to. I am choosing to make the most out of everything! Isn’t that what marriage is about? Enjoying EVERYTHING with the one you love?
Once I realized this, it made me enjoy every moment with my husband. And I still need to remind myself this at times, but as soon as I make the most out of every situation, the happier I am. The happier we are.
I know I have so much more to learn in a marriage, but in 90 days I have learned a lot. It’s not just sunshine and rainbows early on, but a lot of learning. We were trying to find our rhythm of life, together. Some small growing pains. But a lot of love! And with Christ as our center, we know we can get through anything. Big or small.
What have you learned in your marriage? Please share your thoughts in the comments below. It helps to know we are not alone.